My Own Shark Week: My Favorite Ridiculous Shark Scenes


As a part of My Own Shark Week, I took a break from watching ridiculous shark movies. I started to think about all the ridiculous shark related scenes in movies and tv shows. 

So here is a list of some of my favorite shark scenes.



Shark vs Zombie

The thing I feared most about the water is that there are a lot of unknown creatures in there. There’s stingrays, piranhas and of course sharks. It wasn’t until I watched Fulci’s Zombie did I learn that zombies hide out in the water too! 

Being a dead, flesh eater gives you a mighty, courageous pair of balls. This zombie starts a fight with a shark. Who does that?!




My Super Ex Girlfriend


I wouldn’t mind having the chance to punch an ex in the face. If I had the chance, I pick up a giant shark and throw it at him! But alas, I’m not a superhero chick getting back at her ex….yet…..

Jaws 3-D 

I feel sorry for birds that fly into glass windows. I do not feel sorry for stupid sharks that swim into glass windows.





Austin Powers

You know what’s more scarier than sharks?

How about sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!


Deep Blue Sea


I always believed if you were out of the water, sharks couldn’t get you.

Oh was I wrong. Very, very wrong!




Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus


Again, being out of the water doesn’t keep you safe from sharks…




Shark Attack 3:Megalodon 

….You’re not even safe on a fast jet ski!




Sharknado 

I couldn’t make a ridiculous shark list without mentioning the new, instant classic, Shark/Tornado mash up….Sharknado! *insert echo here*





Saturday Night Live: Landshark 


I don’t like opening my door to strangers and now that I know one of them could be a shark… I’ll probably never leave my house ever again!



Happy Days: Fonzie Jumps the Shark

Fonzie can get any chick he wants, turn on jukeboxes by elbowing them in the face and he can make a crowd go wild just by saying “Ayyyyeeee”

The man fears nothing so why not do something randomly stupid like jumping over a shark…Ayyyeeee.


I would love to believe that none of the ridiculous situations above are possible. But it does open my mind to the possibilities that one day, they can be possible! Dun dun dunnnn.



Worst Jobs to Have in a Horror Movie


I hate my job! 

I work with people who are lazy and have bitchy attitudes about everything. Oh yeah, and did I mention the hacking coughs? Why must they all cough loudly and never ever cover their mouths? Didn’t they see Outbreak?!

Sure, I should be happy to have a job and steady paycheck, but can’t I have a job and paycheck at a place that doesn’t suck so much ballsbasket?

I’ve had a lot of rough days lately and the only thing that makes me feel better is to think about people who have worse jobs than me. It got me thinking about some of the occupational hazards that happens in horror movies. 

Here are some of the worst jobs to have in a horror movie. (Sorry if any of these jobs are yours)



Babysitters/Nannies/Counselors

 There is something about being in charge of children that gets psycho killers ( Qu’est-ce que c’est?) all revved up to stalk and slaughter. 

The main problem with this profession is that being a horny teenager with no sense of responsibility is the only qualification you need. They seem to do well when it comes to putting the children to bed but once the lights go off, the panties drops and doobies get lit up. 



In some cases you can still be wholesome and pure and it won’t matter because the killer will be more attracted to you. 


There is no winning when you have a job like this. 



Cemetery Groundskeeper

 Your job is to dig holes to make a home for dead people. Maybe it’s zen to be one with the earth and use your geometry skills to get the right size holes but it’s got to be a kick in the nuts when someone digs up a body. 




Hookers

Don’t let Pretty Woman fool you. If you’re going to be a vagina vendor, a millionaire won’t take you out of your skuzzy life and whisk you away to Bel Air. A serial killer will pick you up and show you his collection of fridge heads. 



I understand that a bitch gotta eat but no good will come out of selling yourself to the seemingly nice guy. He’s a straight up killer girlfriend! Mmm hmm. 




Cleaners/Janitors

Cleaning toilets and vomit has to be kind of gross but what about cleaning up blood and gore? I can tell you that ShamWow or Bounty won’t do the trick. 

This kind of work has to take hours of scrubbing and bleaching and repeating. 

Also, there’s no way you can go home and not smell like day old Taco Bell. 





Scientist

 In horror movies scientists want to change the world, find cures for things, or explore the unknown. The result of this work is the creation of monsters and outbreaks of deadly diseases. 

For a smart profession, these people sure are stupid! 


Holy people/Ghost hunters

This job is responsible for casting out unholy things when the unholy things aren’t cool with that. They don’t want you messing with their game so they will do anything it takes to break your spirit.

 These people have to be dedicated to get rid of evil even when that evil thing is hurting them, threatening them or even doing butt stuff to them. 

Inner strength is strongly tested in this career path. 


Any kind of authority

Killers don’t like to be told what to do.

This profession is all about telling people what to do. You would have a better chance surviving if you were a babysitter. 


Realtor

It’s your job to sell houses. It’s also your job to tell potential buyers if anyone died in the house you’re trying to sell. I can’t speak for everyone but I don’t care how cheap a house is, I don’t want to walk around naked in the same place where people were killed. Also there is always the chance that ghosts are haunting the house and trying to get you out. 

It can’t be easy trying to sell a three bedroom house with curb appeal when it’s known around the neighborhood as “the house that escape killer who dressed up as a clown killed that one family.” 


A Killer

If you’re going to commit to being a full time killer, stalking babysitters and chasing your prey, consider all the work and pain you have to put into this job. 

 Killers are punched in the face; shot multiply times, pushed down stairs and stabbed. And that’s just on the first day of the job!  Sure, you’ll live through it to follow up with a few sequels, but is it worth it? 

You have to plan what you’re going to wear, who you’re going to kill then basically run on their schedule. If you’re going to make threatening calls, you have to get a burner cell and make sure it’s not traced back to you. Then you have to track down people’s numbers and work on changing your voice. Also you have to work out to keep up with them when they run and handle getting your ass handed to you when they fight back. 



Talk about tedious! I get winded using the bathroom so I can’t imagine why anyone who would want a job that takes a massive toll on you.  

At the end of the day I guess my job isn’t as bad as I think it is. No wait, it’s still as bad as I think it is but I can get through my days easier knowing that I don’t have a horror movie job. 

Five Life Lessons I Learned From Watching Holliston

 
 
 
 
Tonight starts the new season of Joe Lynch and Adam Green’s Holliston. If you’re a fan of the show I’m sure you’ve been looking  forward to this as much as I have. If you haven’t seen the show, check it out fellow horror fans!
 
Before the new season started I decided to re-watch the whole first season. Turns out Holliston carries a lot of life lessons.
 
Here’s are five lessons Holliston taught me about life.
 
 
Lesson One (Episode: The Hooker) Don’t date someone who has never seen Gremlins. They don’t know the rules. It’s dangerous: I’ve been told not to be picky when you’re in the dating scene. I admit I got instantly turned off by a date who was wearing way too many silver rings. I thought he might have been a magician or something. You have to be open-minded when it comes to dating but not when your life may depend on it. Some girls want their guy to know how to change a tire or kill a spider; I need a guy who knows basic horror survival rules. I know it’s not very realistic to believe that maybe some day gremlins will overcome the world but it’s crucial to know that sun light kills them.
 
Life lesson: It’s important to have a partner that supports your needs, hopes and anything you face in life, but it’s also important that they know how to kill gremlins, zombies, vampires and other such things that can randomly appear at any time. I need a partner who can handle his shit if any or all of those things come at us.
 
 
Lesson Two (Episode: Camera Rental)  If an apartment is cutely cheap, it’s probably haunted: Corri and Laura finally find an affordable apartment. The girls don’t question why the place is so cheap until it’s too late. As it turns out, the apartment is haunted.

Life lesson: If an apartment is too cheap to be true, someone died there. When you move into a home, it has to be disclosed that someone died there but not in a rental situation. It would be good to know if the last tenant played hangman or pulled an Amityville Horror in the place you’re about to sleep in.
 
 

Lesson Three (Episode: Candyman) Stand up to bullies: Tony Todd overstays his welcome and the guys are too afraid to tell him to leave. When Tony says some terrible things about Corri, Adam balls up and tells Tony off. Tony scatters off and all is right with the world.

Life Lesson: Don’t let people walk all over you, let them know what’s up! Sometimes it seems easier to be pushed around but it feels so much better when you tell that person how you really feel. Maybe you’ll get your ass kicked or maybe they’ll back off. It’s better to stand up for yourself than to let someone take advantage of you. Plus, you can always take karate classes.



Lesson Four (Episode: Laura’s Little Twitter) Don’t post pictures of yourself on any social media until you have friends look at it first: Laura gets a lot of followers on Twitter but she can’t understand why. When the group checks out her account photo, they see her camel toe. I post impropriate pictures of myself all the time on purpose, but I would hate to have one posted on accident.  

 

Life Lesson: In this episode not only did I learn various names I can call my lady bits but I learned that I should have my pictures screened so no one can tell me the various names they have for my lady bits.


Lesson Five (Episode: Weekend of Horrors) Don’t give up: During a horror con, the guys give the great John Landis a trailer for their film. John writes them a letter and basically tells them that they should not be filmmakers. A blow like that would kill someone’s soul but the guys decide to embrace the criticism.
 
Life lesson: It’s easy to give up when things seem hopeless and people are bringing you down. If you’re passionate about something, then stick to it. Haters are gonna hate and it may even be someone you admire who wants to kick your dreams in the sack but don’t give in to giving up!

 
 
If you have Fearnet, the first episode of Holliston season two premieres tonight! If you don’t have it, all episodes will be available on Itunes the day after it airs.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 


My Favorite Beheadings

Lately I’ve been watching movies and tv shows that have a lot of great beheading/decapitation scenes. I’m not seeking these out but it got me thinking about all the beloved beheading that I’ve enjoyed.

I decided to make a list of my favorite ones so *lose your head (hehe) over my selections.

*Advance apology for all the bad puns


Maniac

Poor Tom Savini. All he wants to do is get laid but instead he gets head.



Deadly Friend

The look on Kristy Swanson’s face is damn priceless.

After watching this scene again, I thought to myself, “Horror movies, I love you!”







Halloween: H20

I remember thinking this was the PERFECT ending to the Halloween series…then Resurrection happened. But alas I love that Laurie had her moment when she decided to stop running and finally get ahead of her fear of Michael. 




Killer Klowns from Outer Space

I would never side with any clowns because well they’re clowns *shudder* but I feel like this decap was completely just. I’m sorry but you don’t eff with a guy’s ride.





Curdled

Gabriella is obsessed with death, murders and the mind of killers. Her new fascination is with The Blue-Blood killer, a serial killer who likes to chop off heads. When she gets the chance to met Blue-Blood, she learns more about beheading than she could ever asked for.

Spoiler (the scene below is the last 10 minutes of the movie)


The Walking Dead: Daryl’s Trunk Scene

If you have a vagina and you watch The Walking Dead, chances are you think Norman Reedus is hot.

If you’re anything like me and you think Norman Reedus beheading a zombie is super hot then you know what scene I’m about to show below.

 



High Tension/Switchblade Romance

The first death scene in a horror movie really sets the tone for the things to come. I’m not going to pretend like this movie isn’t seriously flawed but the death scenes were spiffy.





Hot Fuzz

When I heard that Edgar Wright was making an action flick to follow his success of Shaun of the Dead, I was expecting an action film with quirks. I did not think Wright would bring in some gory charm into the mix but I’m glad he did.




Hatchet

When Adam Green broke into the horror convention circuit promoting Hatchet, I didn’t think it would be much more than just another average slasher movie but this scene got my head straight.

Scanners

Heads up folks, I saved the best scene for last!





My Favorite 2012 Movies

Happy New Year folks! Before I officially embrace 2013 I want to take a look back at all my favorites movies of 2012. So here is a list of those movies in no particular order. 


Cabin in the Woods

Five friends take a weekend trip to a remote cabin in the woods. What seems like a fun weekend of drinking, drugs and sex turns deadly when the group awakens a family of killer zombies. 

What I love about Cabin in the Woods, other than my Joss Whedon fan girl hard-on, is that it stretches a typical horror plot and gives it more meaning. I love how it takes viewers behind the scenes and shows us the inner workings to how things can happen in horror movies for the sake of something bigger. 






My Review





Rec 3: Genesis 

A couple’s wedding day turns bloody when the guests are infected with a strange illness. 

Rec 3 takes a new approach from the previous Rec movies by switching from the first person perspective to third person. The viewers are not restricted to the lens of a shaky hand-held camera so it’s refreshing to take in everything that’s happening.

Rec 3 delivered everything I could want from a zombie-esque movie. I got lots of splattery blood, tense moments with specks of humor along with a solid, twisted story. 





Moonrise Kingdom


Set in the 60’s, Sam, an orphan boy scout and Susie, a misunderstood girl, run off to the wilderness to escape their lives and have an adventure. The two kids fall in love but they are separated by the Susie’s parents. They decide to run away again and get married. Awww.

I was whisked away with the enchanting and enduring love between these two kids who felt like it was them against the world. Wes Anderson knows how to capture loving emotion all while sticking with his quirky signature style. Moonrise Kingdom made my heart smile so I loved it. 



Chronicle


Three high school students come across an object that gives them superpowers. At the time, one of them is documenting his life via video camera so from then on he records the advancements in their powers. 

I thought this movie was going to be a water-downed found footage episode of Heroes but I wanted to check it out anyway. To my surprise it ended up being an intensely great little flick highlighting the downfalls of being powerful. 

Chronicle is the most underrated movie on this list. 





ParaNorman  

Norman is an outcast amongst his family and kids at school. He has the unfortunate gift of being able to communicate with the dead. Norman gets a warning that he must perform a ritual to stop a witch from raising the dead. When things don’t work out with the ritual Norman, his family, friends and his bully must battle the zombies to save their town. 

When the opening credits began I knew I was going to fall deeply in love with this movie. Surprisingly this isn’t just a kid’s movie. It appeals to a lot of horror fans of all ages. 






The Raid: Redemption

A SWAT team with the plan to take down an apartment complex filled with mobsters and criminals, find themselves trapped, battling for their lives. 


Sometimes I enjoy watching action movies where things blow up and people get kicked in the face. The Raid gave me more than just mindless entertainment. The film offers a engaging plot with nonstop thrills and intense violence. 

The Raid gave me a face full of awesome. 








Killer Joe

Chris, a drug dealer who has a large debt to settle, plots to have his mother killed to collect on her insurance money. The contract killer, known as Killer Joe, retains Chris’ sister until the insurance money comes through so Joe can get paid off for his services. 

Now that the dust has settled on my dizzy mind after seeing this, I can fully appreciate Killer Joe for the deep fried mind fuck that it is. 



My Review





Sinister

A true crimes writer moves his family into the home of a crime scene. He wants to have the feel of the murders that occurred in the home while writing about the events that led up to the incident. While moving in, he finds footage of the family along with other families being brutally murdered. 


Sinister offered me the scares and uneasy feeling I miss from horror movies today. 



My Review


Excision

A disturbed high school girl dreams of being a famous surgeon. Her fantasies collide with the real world which fuel her twisted desires and drives her to do insane things. 

Excision is one of those films that stuck with me after I watched it. It gave me a disheartening feeling that was hard to shake off. 



My Review 

Django Unchained 

A slave, turned bounty hunter ventures out to Mississippi to save his wife from a cruel plantation owner. 

I was able to squeeze this film in before the end of the year and I’m glad I did. As much as I loved this film for it’s compelling story, what I loved about it the most was the performance of Christoph Waltz. Jamie Foxx and Leonardo DiCaprio’s performances were amazing yet underwhelming while Waltz was on the screen. I could have watched his character alone for the entire film and still enjoyed it. But overall, Django Unchained does not lack the greatness that Quentin Tarantino brings to all of his films. It was the best film to end in 2012. 

And now with 2012 behind us all, I welcome 2013 and all the movies to come! Woot! 

Five Ways to Defeat A Leprechaun



With St. Patty’s day coming up, you never know what kind of drunken misadventures you may get into. You could wake up in bed next to your ex, regretting those 14 whiskey shot. You may even find yourself in the battle to the death with an evil leprechaun! 


Hey, I don’t know your life, it could happen!


So there is only one true way to defeat a leprechaun, and that’s to strangle him with a rainbow. Since rainbows aren’t always easy to find, here are five ways to defeat a leprechaun.




1. Four Leaf Clover- It’s a standard rule that four-leaf clovers are like spermicide for leprechauns.


How to Find a Four-Leaf Clover




2. Cold Iron- Iron is supposed to harm leprechauns and most mythical beings. Maybe because it’s an earthly element or it could be the strong magnetic force that conquers all evil. Who knows, but apparently it works.


Brand him like he’s your bitch! 







3. Street Fighting- So he has some magical powers that can destroy you BUT if you get the jump on him, he might not be able to use them in time. Throw dirt in his face or poke out his eyes. Try to pull his hat down to his face. If he can’t see you, he can’t focus his powers on you. Another option would be to pants him. Ok so this is immature but think about it, he’ll be so embarrassed to think about anything else which will give you the opening to kick his ass.


How to Fight Dirty and Win! 

4. Random bag o’ tricks- Try everything and anything that has been done in other fairy tales/legends/etc. Try to guess his name. Pretend that he doesn’t exist so the pure power of a non-believer will make him disappear. Try to shoot him with a silver bullet or rock salt. Shoot him in the head or destroy the brain. Have a dance off.





None of these may work or hell maybe the combination of all of these is the key but it’s worth trying.




5. When all else fails, do the logical, yet not so obvious choice to everyone: Wish him away! Duh-ness! 
It’s a known fact that if you catch a leprechaun, he has to grant you wishes. So get the sucker in a head lock and stake your claim.  Make a wish that the leprechaun dies, goes away, can’t harm you, loses his powers (after granting the wish) whatever wish that will keep him from killing you. Ok I know it’s temping to wish for a billion dollars, a larger penis or for more wishes but be warned that the leprechaun may try some trickery to taint your wishes so play it safe and just wish the green bastard away.

So folks, whatever you do this St. Patrick’s Day, even if you plan on staying sober and out of trouble, still be prepared to defeat a leprechaun with these helpful tips. 


My Favorite Movies of 2011



Now that 2011 is officially over, I looked back to the movies that I’ve enjoyed over the year. 


A lot of people are doing “Top *insert number here * Movies of the Year” lists but I’m just going to keep it simple and do a random, not in any order, list of movies I dug this year. 


And those movies are…



I Saw the Devil


This hardcore vengeance film is about a special agent seeking revenge for his murdered fiancee. 


The mission to track down the killer turns into a bloody cat and mouse game which reaches a point of no return.


Seeing the main character battle someone so evil then hit a point within himself to counter that evil to defeat the villain, proves that any human is capable of embracing an untapped dark side. This film is extremely violent and intensely emotional. 


I Saw the Devil easily became my first favorite of 2011. 


Read Review Here 



Hobo with a Shotgun


What started out as a faux trailer for a Grindhouse contest turned into fun and gory feature flick. 


Rutger Hauer stars as a humble and gentle hobo who is just trying to get by in this grim world. When he tries to settle into a new town, he is surrounded by appalling crimes and monstrous corruption. 


He realizes that this town needs some cleaning up so his solution to the problem is getting a shotgun and shooting bad people. And how! 


Hobo with a Shotgun is a self-explanatory movie with an appreciation towards old school low-budget exploitation films. 




Super 


This dark comedy is about Frank, a homely, less than average guy who loses his wife to a drug dealer. 


Frank is touched by the hand of God and understands that he has a special purpose to fulfill. He takes on a superhero persona and attacks average-to-hardcore criminals in his town all leading up to the drug dealer who has his wife. 


For a seemingly fun-loving, action-comedy, I wasn’t expecting Super to be so morbidly delightful. Adding James Gunn’s special brand of humor into the mix made this movie, well, super. 


I had the great pleasure of seeing a screening of this with Michael Rooker in attendance. That in itself made this movie a special part of my year. 






Scream 4


This fourth follow up to the Scream franchise brings Sydney Prescott, Gale Weathers-Riley and Dewey Riley banding together to find the killer or killers behind a series of murders in the town of Woodsboro. 


Things have changed since the start 10 years ago and the trio is now dealing with a new generation of rules. 


I’m aware that this sequel has had it’s share of mixed reviews but guess what, I liked it so take that! 


Read Review Here 








X-Men: First Class 


This prequel to the X-Men movies unfolds the start of the relationship between Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr (Magneto) and the development of the school for mutants. This movie is the beginning of the origins for the mutants that are well known in the series. 


I’m not big on a lot of glitzy, blockbuster-esque super hero movies but I have followed most of the X-Men movies and I think this one is the best of the series. Not only is the back story of the characters detailed and well explained (this is just based on the movies since I have not read the comics) but the movie is well made. 


Super 8


Set in 1979, a group of teens get together to film a movie on a Super 8 camera. While filming a scene by a train station, the crew witness a derailment which releases a dangerous creature into their small town. 


Super 8 was one of my most anticipated movies of the year and it did not disappoint my expectations. 


Read Review Here 






Another Earth 


A high school graduate who is newly accepted into MIT celebrates by partying and drinking a lot. Stupidly deciding to drive herself home, she rocks out to the radio. A news report announces that another “Earth” has been discovered and is visible in the night’s sky so being a space nerd, she looks out into the stars to find it. Her carelessness causes her to crash into another car, killing a man’s wife and child and leaving him in a coma. 


After serving time in jail, she returns to her home town and develops a relationship with the man who’s life she destroyed. Since the man’s brother handled all the court related things involving the accident, he doesn’t know that the girl entering his broken life is the same one who caused his pain and misery. 


Meanwhile the girl enters a contest to visit “Earth 2” just so she can escape her past and find a place away from her guilt. 


The “scifi/anything that has to do with space” lover in me completely fell in love with this film. The ending left my head swimming with different possibilities to how things could reach that outcome and I love it when a movie can do that to me. I’m still left wondering. 




Attack the Block


A street gang of teens defend themselves and their ‘hood when an alien invasion attacks. 


For the people who went to see Super 8 and expected more of an alien movie but had to settled on the heart-felt story, Attack the Block picks up the slack.


I loved how how die-hard devoted these kids were in kicking alien ass and as actors as well. 


This is another movie I didn’t think would be so violent yet it was and it made me giddy. 


Read Review Here 






Rise of the Planet of the Apes


This prequel to the Planet of the Apes movies is about a scientist attempting to develop a drug to cure Alzheimer’s. A product of the drug gives birth to a super intelligent chimp named Caesar. 


Caesar is raised like a normal human more so than a smart animal but he notices the differences between the human race’s reaction to him in relation to a pet and not something on par of a person. 


Caesar is unsettled with his place in the world and the world’s view on apes. As a gifted creature he wants to change the outlook on chimps and he does just that. 


I never cared for the original Apes movies mainly because the thought of talking monkeys taking over the world kinda freaked me out. I will say that the elaborate story that explains the beginning of those movies was so well done that it made me want to re-visit the series. 


Rise of the Planet of the Apes not only superseded my expectations but I do believe it’s one of the best prequels I have ever seen. 






Red State



High school boys in a small town, think that they are going to get laid by a woman who placed a sexy ad stating that she was D.T.F; but instead they get caught up in an insane anti-homosexual, extremely religious cult. 


Kevin Smith has always been one of my favorite directors (his early years before he met his wife, put her in every movie, did rom-coms then complained about being too fat to fly when he was indeed to fat to fly) so I was excited to hear that he was doing a horror movie. 


Smith’s approach on a controversial topic was damn ballsy yet it worked as a compelling film. The ending can either leave you humored or disappointed but either way it was still strongly effective. 


Red State is satisfyingly gruesome for the average horror fan and John Goodman’s performance was absolutely astonishing. 










The Muppets


The Muppets reunite to raise money in order to save their theater. 


A very simple plot yet if you grew up loving The Muppets, this movie will touch the child in you (in a non-dirty “I NEED AN ADULT” kind of way)






Tucker and Dale vs. Evil


Tucker and Dale are just two simple-minded hilly billies trying to relax in their vacation house in the woods. When they cross paths with a bunch of college kids camping out, a series of unfortunate accidents happen. 


This is one movie I was able to go into blindly so I enjoyed the humor and over-the-top silliness more than I would have if I had seen the trailer first. 


I love how this movie shows the perspective of misunderstood characters while also showing how stupidly judgement people can be. 





I hope everyone had a great 2011 and here’s to newer greatness in 2012! 

The Dark Side of Muppets



With the new Muppets movie coming out, it got me to think about a few things. First of all, what the hell is a Muppet anyway? And secondly, why aren’t more kids creepied out by them?

I know that Muppets and Sesame Street have shaped a lot of generations with their attempt at educational values and overall entertainment. But little did you know that behind those everlasting smiles, plastic eyes and fluffy bodies, there is a dark side to the muppet species.

Meet the Feebles

Before Peter Jackson became all Oscar fancy with his Lord of the Rings work, us horror fans knew him back in the day when he was a chubby director doing zany movies. 


Meet the Feebles takes a look at the gritty behind the scenes truth of a popular Muppet-esque variety show. 


The problems begin with Heidi, the star of the show finding out that her man has been cheating on her. Tsk, tsk. Then we learn that the other co-stars are wrapped in the their own troubles of drugs, thievery and even murder! 


When I saw this movie a few years ago, it blew my mind! Seeing muppety characters indulging in such things as sex and drugs not only put my real life to shame but Peter Jackson opened my mind to the realization that even “happy, read books and learn stuff” children’s tv characters can get down and dirty. And how! 

Smile Time

As a fan of the show Angel, I’ve spent many years becoming emotionally invested in characters and situations. I’ve had endless “gasp!” moments, yelled at my tv a few times and had a real rough time when people died. Seriously, when one character died in the middle of the final season, I refused to believe it till the finale. I thought “Wow, I guess they are really never coming back” when the last episode ended. True story. 


Anyway, with all the seasons and all of the drama, the Smile Time episode disturbed more intensely than other episode…ever!


The episode opens with a boy sitting around in his living room watching his favorite show, Smile Time. The puppets on the show are doing their thing with the singing and being all educational-like until one puppet tells the boy to put his hand on the tv. Of course the dumb-ass kid does it because tv puppets would never do anything to hurt him, right? Um right?!? Well, the puppet drains the life out of the boy then leaves a permanent creepy ass smile on his face. Double shudder! 


When Angel finds out what’s going down, he goes to the tv studio to confront the puppets then poof, they turn him into one of them! 


I don’t know what scares me the most, knowing that a puppet can steal my adorable and charming essence so very easily or that they can make me into one of them. Both ideas are too terrifying for my mind to explore. 


(I couldn’t find a simple clip for this episode so you have to deal with a run-down to the music of Rammstein which actually adds on the creepy factor) 

The Fire Gang

Labyrinth is a diversity of creepy. You got muppets stealing babies, David Bowe’s balls up in your face throughout the entire movie then there’s The Fire Gang.


Ok at first when they come on screen you’re all like “Yeah, they look kinda crazy but hey they’re singing and dancing so they must be friendly.” 


Wrong! Into their little number one of them pokes his own eyes out! Who does that!? Then comes the head throwing, then the molesting of poor Sarah. 


They can’t fathom why her head won’t come off so they try ever so hard to remove it for her. 


While journeying through the Labyrinth, Sarah has a few run-ins with an assortment of odd characters but none of them are as scary these lovers of decapitation.

The Dark Crystal

I decided to watch The Dark Crystal recently in preparation for seeing the Muppets movie. They’re cousins in case you didn’t know. 


For a PG kid’s movie, The Dark Crystal is a damn horrifying flick. All the puppet-y characters are scary lookin’ and they all basically want to harm someone. You got feather-less vultures, a lady crypt keeper, robots crabs and more! Hell, even the good elves have kind of an off look about them. It’s almost like “We look so sweet and innocent that you’ll trust us when we wisk you away to the forest…then eat your soul! Muahhaha” Yeah I’m on to you elf people! 


Anyway, again there is more essences stealing amongst the world of puppets. In this case it’s to keep an evil vulture creature thingy young but it’s seems like a common thing with muppets/puppets wanting to steal our essences. Let’s hope it doesn’t catch on. 

 Nanny



I grew up watching The Muppet Babies and even as a child, I knew something wasn’t quite right with Nanny. I don’t know it was the socks that didn’t go with her outfit or because she was shitty at her job, but the fact that she didn’t have a face always bothered me. 


Whenever Nanny took a second from doing whatever to check on the kids, they always had a bit of fear in them because they didn’t want to get caught horsing around. There’s something to that. 


Nanny was the only human on the show and she stood as the parental figure in the Muppets’ lives. So where were the parents?


Ok stay with me on this…. I believe that Nanny is a barnyard fetish freak whom stole all the kids from their parents and stuck them in a nursery making them grow up together, fall in love and then eventually ya know, do it. Oh and she stole Gonzo from Area 51 to spice things up. 


Nanny is a part of a plot to create the ultimate hybrid of Muppet then sell them to Science as an experiment to take over the world. 


Think about it! 


Ok even if my very logical theory doesn’t strike your fancy, you can’t deny that  the character of Nanny doesn’t fit into the muppet world so maybe, just maybe she has a more sinister motive.   






If you’re going to see The Muppets next week (enjoy it because it’s a great movie) keep in mind along with the singing and dancing and awe-inspiring encouragement lies a dark side of porn, drugs, soul-stealing, and headless freaks! 

Truck Meets Face: A Marriage in Splatter





The closest I’ve ever come to being punched in the face is when one of my dogs whipped one of those rope toys at me and it hit me square in the face. I thought to myself  “This isn’t as awesome as I’d hope it would be.” And yeah, I kinda hoped it would be awesome but then I also thought “Wow, I guess this is what it must feel like to have a truck hit your face!”


Ok so I’m slightly over-exaggerating the pain factor just a little bit. But on the other hand it got me thinking to the all the movies scenes where trucks play a role of their own. Characters run out into the unknown then…KAMBLO! A truck is all up in their face yo! And the end result of that quickie relationship is a lot of splatter. And as everyone should know, I love myself some splatter ya’ll! 


So here I made a list of the trysts trucks have had with people’s faces. 


Pet Semetary 


So little kid Gage runs after his kite which seduces him to go into the road. Gage’s stupid dad is too busy giggling and trying to have a Hallmark moment with his family that he doesn’t watch his son carefully and well…truck and face collide as one. 





As horrible as it is to picture this like 5 pound kid getting hit by a truck, I didn’t feel all that bad for him when he came back to life and just had that measly stitch on his face. Apparently he didn’t get as dinged up as we all thought which in a way is slightly comforting. And also, he came back bad-ass so that was pretty cool too. 





Damien: Omen II



What happens when you try to eff with the son of Satan, well birds will peck at your face then force you to a paved death.


This is my favorite of the list mainly because her face literally greets the truck. Check it out. 


(The first few minutes the lady is all “blah blah blah Damien is evil” so go ahead and skip past that to the 7 minute mark) 







Bride of Chucky


In the fourth Child’s Play movie, Chucky is beyond deformed and all grossed out plus, he’s got a wife with him this time. 

Yeah, JUMP BACK at the thought of that! 








Maximum Overdrive 





When the universe shifts and trucks start coming to life and thinking on their own, the one thing they are going to have on their metal minds is the thought of mowing us down! And they will! 





The Devil’s Rejects





I’m not afraid to admit that I did not like House of 1000 Corpses. I tried to give it a shot, I really did! I even saw it at a drive-in setting right before The Devil’s Rejects came out. I still could not make myself like it not even a little bit; but at the drive-in I met a couple that insisted that I watch The Devil’s Reject. They were fellow horror fans and I’m always up for suggestions so I sucked it up and saw it a few days later.


Yeah, I enjoyed it a lot and not just because Rob Zombie actually pulled off character development but also because of this stain of a scene. 


(Sorry for the crappy quality, it was the only clip in the world of this scene I could find, wa wa) 



Not trucks but still….


Final Destination


Bus meets face 





Grindhouse: Death Proof


Tire meets face 





Maximum Overdrive (again)


Steamroller meets face 



The Happening


Lawnmower meets face…to start…





Suicide Club (my forever favorite opening scene to any movie ever) 


Subway train meets faces….legs…everything! 



So folks, I hope these scenes have taught you to look both ways when crossing the streets.


And maybe also don’t mess around with the devil’s son, serial killers, death, the universe and nature. 


And that concludes my list on facial matchmaking with various vehicles.