Worst Jobs to Have in a Horror Movie

I hate my job! 

I work with people who are lazy and have bitchy attitudes about everything. Oh yeah, and did I mention the hacking coughs? Why must they all cough loudly and never ever cover their mouths? Didn’t they see Outbreak?!

Sure, I should be happy to have a job and steady paycheck, but can’t I have a job and paycheck at a place that doesn’t suck so much ballsbasket?

I’ve had a lot of rough days lately and the only thing that makes me feel better is to think about people who have worse jobs than me. It got me thinking about some of the occupational hazards that happens in horror movies. 

Here are some of the worst jobs to have in a horror movie. (Sorry if any of these jobs are yours)


 There is something about being in charge of children that gets psycho killers ( Qu’est-ce que c’est?) all revved up to stalk and slaughter. 

The main problem with this profession is that being a horny teenager with no sense of responsibility is the only qualification you need. They seem to do well when it comes to putting the children to bed but once the lights go off, the panties drops and doobies get lit up. 

In some cases you can still be wholesome and pure and it won’t matter because the killer will be more attracted to you. 

There is no winning when you have a job like this. 

Cemetery Groundskeeper

 Your job is to dig holes to make a home for dead people. Maybe it’s zen to be one with the earth and use your geometry skills to get the right size holes but it’s got to be a kick in the nuts when someone digs up a body. 


Don’t let Pretty Woman fool you. If you’re going to be a vagina vendor, a millionaire won’t take you out of your skuzzy life and whisk you away to Bel Air. A serial killer will pick you up and show you his collection of fridge heads. 

I understand that a bitch gotta eat but no good will come out of selling yourself to the seemingly nice guy. He’s a straight up killer girlfriend! Mmm hmm. 


Cleaning toilets and vomit has to be kind of gross but what about cleaning up blood and gore? I can tell you that ShamWow or Bounty won’t do the trick. 

This kind of work has to take hours of scrubbing and bleaching and repeating. 

Also, there’s no way you can go home and not smell like day old Taco Bell. 


 In horror movies scientists want to change the world, find cures for things, or explore the unknown. The result of this work is the creation of monsters and outbreaks of deadly diseases. 

For a smart profession, these people sure are stupid! 

Holy people/Ghost hunters

This job is responsible for casting out unholy things when the unholy things aren’t cool with that. They don’t want you messing with their game so they will do anything it takes to break your spirit.

 These people have to be dedicated to get rid of evil even when that evil thing is hurting them, threatening them or even doing butt stuff to them. 

Inner strength is strongly tested in this career path. 

Any kind of authority

Killers don’t like to be told what to do.

This profession is all about telling people what to do. You would have a better chance surviving if you were a babysitter. 


It’s your job to sell houses. It’s also your job to tell potential buyers if anyone died in the house you’re trying to sell. I can’t speak for everyone but I don’t care how cheap a house is, I don’t want to walk around naked in the same place where people were killed. Also there is always the chance that ghosts are haunting the house and trying to get you out. 

It can’t be easy trying to sell a three bedroom house with curb appeal when it’s known around the neighborhood as “the house that escape killer who dressed up as a clown killed that one family.” 

A Killer

If you’re going to commit to being a full time killer, stalking babysitters and chasing your prey, consider all the work and pain you have to put into this job. 

 Killers are punched in the face; shot multiply times, pushed down stairs and stabbed. And that’s just on the first day of the job!  Sure, you’ll live through it to follow up with a few sequels, but is it worth it? 

You have to plan what you’re going to wear, who you’re going to kill then basically run on their schedule. If you’re going to make threatening calls, you have to get a burner cell and make sure it’s not traced back to you. Then you have to track down people’s numbers and work on changing your voice. Also you have to work out to keep up with them when they run and handle getting your ass handed to you when they fight back. 

Talk about tedious! I get winded using the bathroom so I can’t imagine why anyone who would want a job that takes a massive toll on you.  

At the end of the day I guess my job isn’t as bad as I think it is. No wait, it’s still as bad as I think it is but I can get through my days easier knowing that I don’t have a horror movie job. 

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