Recently I rented the movie The Roommate, looking to fill my boredom with mindless crap.
I was expecting a teenaged, watered-down take on Single White Female but what I got instead was a completely, lame almost direct rip-off of Single White Female.
I was debating about doing a review for this but I think I can sum it up with “It took forever before someone was killed. This movie is what lame wants to be when it grows up.” And fin.
So with that mini, on point review, I thought I could at least offer up tips on what to do if you find yourself living with a crazy roommate.
1. Background check- Qu’est-ce que c’est
- If she doesn’t have a relationship with her parents, find out their information and call them for a friendly follow up chat. “Hi my name is___ I’m considering your daughter for a roommate and would like to know the following: Is she on any meds? Has she ever been locked up for anything? Is she crazy?”
Simply questions like those should clarify if your roommate is sane enough to live with you.
- If she claims that her parents are dead, confirm it with online research and obits. If they are really dead, find out how. If it was a strange accident, could it have been something she caused? Think about it!
- If she has friends then talk to them about her and get to know her through them. Get some dirt! If she has no friends, be suspicious. Even shy people have at least one friend, even if it’s their grandma.
As abrasive as this may seem, you don’t want to find out later that the person who is living with you isn’t the person they say they are. Get the facts!
2. If she takes a fancy to the clothes you wear, your hairstyle and everything that makes you “you” then drop your look and take on hers. Act the way she used to before she wanted to be you and take on her mannerisms. If you show her that you’re not even interested in being you then maybe she’ll find someone else to idolize. And maybe if you’re lucky, she’ll just think you’re an asshole for mimicking her and move out.
3. Keep your boyfriend far away. If this bitch wants to be like you, she’ll want your boyfriend in the horizontal cha cha kind of way. Tell her that you broke up with him because of his small wiener. As long as he’s safely out of the picture, she’ll be safely out his pants.
4. Get the hell out of there! Make plans to move to another place but don’t give your roommate advance warning until it’s official, she might screw up your plans. Once you have locked in a new place, tell Crazy Town a bullshit story. Examples- Your money problems have set you back and you have no choice to but to move back home where you’ll be rent free. Or better yet, you have a secret drug problem and you’re finally ready to get some help so you’re checking yourself into rehab.
5. Dial up the crazy! If all else fails, crank up the crazy on your end. For someone who is really crazy, they seek out normalcy hence wanting to mirror you- someone seemingly normal, so hence don’t be normal. HENCE!
- Tell her you’ve joined a cult/Scientology and constantly preach to her about “the ways” of your people. Ask her if you can get a pet snake or how she feels about animal sacrifices in the apartment. Enlist the help of friends to play “squatters” at your apartment. Tell your roommate “My cult friends are gonna be staying here till the mother ship comes for us, you’re cool with this right?”
- Stop showering. Yes, I know this is hard, but so is getting rid of a crazy person. Be as messy as possible maybe even down right gross to the point where she doesn’t want to live with you.
- Get possessed. Remember Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters? “Are you the Key Master?” Yeah, keep asking that and tell your roommate that you will only respond to the “Key Master.”
- Get bat shit crazy. Casually mention to her that you gave up on taking the pills those “quack doctors” made you go on. Buy a box of Depends and leave them in plain site. Let your roomie know that you will no longer contribute to buying toilet paper or using the toilet because you fear that a toilet monster will get you…again. Every time she comes home from anything, jump into her arms and declare that you are happy she made it home and that “they” didn’t get her. Wear a make shift foil underwear/pants/hat. Tell her you’re saving yourself for marriage and you’ll be damned if any aliens are going to take that away from you and they need to stop trying every night cause that shit ain’t gonna happen up in here! (It helps if you shake your fist to the ceiling while stating this) Constantly mumble to yourself and when she asks what you’re talking about, hiss and say “DO YOU MIND!?!?!” then go back to your mumbling and throw in a occasional hysterical laugh.
If you follow these easy to-do steps, you’ll find yourself free and clear of a crazy roommate.