Over the weekend I got to see Creepshow on the big screen. Yes, envy me!
While watching it, I did that thing that we all sometimes do when watching a horror movie; we think “Hmm, how would I get my ass out of that situation?”
Well, here’s how I’d get my ass out these Creepshow situations:
Father’s Day: If I were Ed Harris…
During the scene when Ed Harris falls in the hole and the headstone is shifting towards him, Ed acts as if his movement to get up and out would make the headstone drop faster. I do not believe this to be true.
The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verril: If I were Stephen King…
Ok so the Stephen King’s lunkhead character is a little slow. I can’t relate to that. But if I were him and a meteor hit by my home; I think I’ve seen The Blob enough times to know that touching it or going near it isn’t the best thing to do. Like King’s character, if trying to score some cash is worth the risk, here’s what I would do:
Look up the local planetarium, museum, or meterologist and see if they are interested in the meteor. If so (and who wouldn’t be interested, it’s an freakin’ meteor!) I’d find out how much it’s worth to them and see if they can come out to get it. If they can’t get it and I would have to bring it to them, here are the next steps I’d take:
Get an ice chest or a solid (not plastic or cardboard) box to put it in. Wear a lot of layer of clothes and something to cover my face, leaving no skin exposed. I wouldn’t want to get any space spooge on me, right? Find some tongs, a shovel, something that will pick up the meteor without having to use my hands. I’d have some rope to wrap around the box just in case there’s something alive in there. Hells, once I get my money it’s not my problem anymore. Then after I get my dough, I’d buy a bottle of booze with some extra X’s on it and do a jig.
If the planetarium, museum or any meteorologists are not available then I would repeat the steps of gathering the meteor and head out to the local stores. One of those country folk would love to feature a real live meteor in their hick store to have people take pictures with/of (like in Tremors). I’m sure they can charge extra to touch it too. If they become plant people, it’s not my problem.
When presenting the meteor to the store sales folk, (carefully opening the box and using gloves too) I’d use jazz hands or shimmy my hands around to illustrate the awesomeness of the meteor. They won’t be able to resist my sales pitch or turn down any offer I make.
Now the meteor is gone, I have money and no plants growing on my junk. Win!
Something To Tide You Over: If I Were Ted Danson…
Everyone please take note, if you’re going to bang a married person, chances are you’ll either end up on Cheaters or the spouse could go nutso and try to bury you by the sea. Shit could happen.
In the situation where Leslie Nielsen has a gun pointed at Ted telling him to pull the sand in the hole; I’d start slowing pulling in the sand, grab a handful…then throw it in his face grab the shovel behind me then hit Leslie blamo in the face!
Noting that I could potentially get shot, before throwing the sand, I would quickly shift myself in the direction away from the gun so he will likely miss me in the confusion of having sand all up in his grill.
Wa-la he’s left either unconscious or dead so I would then throw his ass in the hole covering him completely in the sand. I’d thank him for making the hole for me or make another witty remark, steal his jeep to go save the chick if she didn’t drown yet. Then Ted and her can live together in that spiffy house by the ocean and enjoy all of Leslie’s money. Good times.
The Crate: If I Were Hal Holbrook…
After discovering that the mystery crate inhabited a hungry yeti bear monster thingy, As Hal, I would pull my shit together and try to destroy the crate. Well, actually, the first thing to do would throw Wilma/”Call me Billie” in there.
From that point I would do either of these things:
A. Make use of being in a science lab, mix up some explosive stuff, dump it on the crate and kapowy, chunks of monster thingy everywhere and thus not having to worry about it coming after me.
B. Not end with Wilma/Billie, make of list of those who have wronged me, the paper boy, a student, other professors, etc and let monster thingy do my evil biddings. (Be aware this will eventually backfire because it’s a horror movie and shit like this always backfires)
C. Call a zoo and try to sell it to them. They’ll be interested in a new breed of whatever creature and they can get it out of the school for me plus yay money and hello retirement!
I don’t support’s Hal’s decision to dump the crate in water because we find out that it breaks free. As Hal I would max out all that this crate creature could do for me vengeance-wise and financial.
They’re Creeping Up on You: If I Were E.G. Marshall…
Being self aware that I have germaphobic/icky bugs issue, I would be well stock with Raid, roach hotels, anything that drive bugs oh so crazy and an on call 24/7 exterminator. Also knowing that bugs could get all up in my shit, obvious I would make sure that all of my cereral boxes and food products are sealed up tigher than a nun’s legs.
If things get bad and there’s roaches every where, abandon ship! Fuck going in that tiny panic room! I’d get the hell out of that apartment. As E.G. will all that money, I’d go to a nice clean Hilton or some other fancy digs. If the roaches magically followed me there, I’d pull a reformed Scooge act and make amends with the ones I have wronged. I’d call up that widow lady and throw some cash her way, pay for her husband’s funeral, buy her a cat, whatever I need to do.
The overall lesson, I would know better than to be an asshole. Being an assohole will result in roaches crawling around, eating, pooping and fucking all over your insides. Bleh!
So this is my plan if I ever wake up one morning and I find myself in Creepshow. Also this is great preparation if you ever find yourself in these completely realistic situations!