Summer is coming to an end and I’m finding myself in the mood to watch summer camp films such as Sleepaway Camp, The Burning and some Friday the 13th.
I never had the pleasure of going to a summer camp, but it’s not too late for me. Ok, yeah it is but still, if that day ever comes, I’ll be prepared with these 7 survival tactics.
1. Study the history of the camp grounds: Put the fancy, wordy brochure down and dig up some real dirt on the camp. Check into news reports and history. Has there been any news on missing campers in the area? Did some wack-a-do chop up some kids there 20 years ago? Is an anniversary of a massacre coming up? These are important things to know unless you want to be among the missing or the chopped up.
2. You’ve been warned!: There’s always a chance that you won’t be able to find anything wrong with your campsite through Google. You know how cover-ups go so if some skeezy old guy jumps at you outta nowhere and he’s screaming about a “death curse,” listen! Yeah he’s the local “crazy guy” and he probably smells like burnt ass, but still, old people know stuff. They’ve been around. Hell, for all you know he was probably a witness to some camp ground murders or the remaining survivor to one so, take a hint and split!
3. Missing People/Numerous Accidents: Accidents happen. People get lost in the woods. Shit happens. But in a camping situation, this is never a good thing. Maybe it’s ok to not overreact to a slight accident but once more things start happening to people or if more than one person ends up missing. It’s time to bounce. Odds are, they are dead. No, no, don’t go looking, don’t disregard the person who “accidentally” got axed in the face. Get in your car or steal one and just go.
4. Don’t be a bully: I know it’s fun to pick on the weird or slow kid but think ahead. That kid may snap and get revenge on your ass and everyone else at the camp. Or yet, years will pass by and other fellow campers will pay for your mistake when said weird/slow/snapped kid grows up and wants to kill everyone all because of you. Find something else fun to do.
5. Skip the pranks: Along with not bullying people, I would not advise to try “harmless” pranks. It doesn’t matter who it’s on, how minor it may seen, someone WILL DIE! Trust me!
6. Stay in public: If you go out to the woods to pee, do drugs or fuck, you’re going to die. Sorry, I didn’t make up the rules that just how summer camp works. So here’s my advice, do everything in public. Yes, I mean EVERYTHING. *insert echo here* Use the outhouse or whatever public bathroom options you have during the day and/or while other people are around. Get a group of your friends to do drugs with you in your room. And for fucking, sorry but if you’re going to fuck, wait till your roomies are asleep, sneak your partner in your room or go to their room and sha-bang that shit. You do run the risk of getting caught but it’s better than sneaking off somewhere secluded and getting penetration of a different kind.
7. Suspect everyone!: If people are dying and/or missing and you can’t get away from the camp safely, don’t trust anyone! The killer may be your camp bff, your cousin, that weird girl that stares off into space and never talks or even the sweet old lady cook. Anyone and everyone could be the killer! Find yourself a weapon, stay in a large group if possible, and be alert. The killer could be in the group so vote against splitting up, pairing off, or any of the like. If the killer is in the group, he/she will want a pairing off situation so suspect the person suggesting it. And if the killer isn’t in your group, he/she will get tired of waiting for the group to break up, try to attack you all at once and hence revealing themselves to you as the killer. No matter what, be prepared to kick some ass on your own.
I hope these tips and tricks help some of you in the near future or it’s something to pass along to your children when the summer days come when you don’t want them hanging around the house.