Today was my very first “Zombie Preparedness Fitness Class.”
I read about what the class was going to be like and I mentally prepared myself for everything that I was going to do but man, I still wasn’t really to have my mildly active ass killed.
I walk my dogs around the block, every now and them I’ll do running spurts to get them revved up and every now and then, on rare occasions, I’ll go to the gym and hit the treadmill, elliptical and weights. Apparently none of that matter in the world of zombie training.
The building was tucked away amongst other high rise building on Chicago’s Michigan Ave. It was hard for me to find at first so I came into class about 5 minutes late. As I walked in, The Cranberrries’ Zombie was blasting on a stereo and everyone was running in a circle in the gym. I introduced myself to the instructor then started doing laps. After that followed jumping jacks. After that we had to walk to the end of the gym doing knee lifts but we told to “walk like a zombie” when we did it. Some people moaned and chanted for brains.
I felt like I was doing great during that warm-up.
Then came the most challenging part. The cardio circuits. I shudder as I write that. We had to pair up, which I was paired with the teacher being in a class where everyone knew each other. The circuits were 3 different variations of pull-up machines (in case you fall through the floor boards of a house and have to pull yourself up), jumping over and running through hurdles, jumping on a trampoline with knees high then finally push-ups. While one person did one of the those circuits, the partner would be on the side doing things like running, crab walks, jumping jacks and knee lifts.
After doing those circuits, it hurt to breathe! I thought I was in pretty bad shape but one guy threw up and had to sit out for the rest of the class.
Next we were moved to another room for another round of non-cardio circuits. This is where the real survival training began.
These circuits were:
jumping over small hurdles, swinging a 10 pound baseball at “head level,” jump rope, beating a tire in with a sledge hammer , running through hoops, kicking a punching bag, then getting on the floor and punching a bag in the “face and head.”
I partnered with the girl whose guy threw up and she was really into it. She yelled and grunted loudly the whole time. During our baseball bat swings, I swear she was having an orgasm. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look. I was slightly embarrassed.
We did another circuit then did a cool-down session while listening to
Jonathan Coulton’s Your Brains
I signed up to do the full program so I’m excited for the next one (Though I know I’ll feel it in the morning and won’t be too excited then.)
My Survival Chances: Out look not so good. I’m glad I made it all the way through, and I didn’t throw up but the pull-ups were difficult. First of all being 5’0 it was hard for to get up on the machines. I couldn’t position myself correctly and I felt like a dork.
My ass weighed me down and I couldn’t do a proper “crab walk” I literally dragged myself across the floor.
And finally the bat might as well weighed 100 pounds, I sucked at swinging. I had to hold the bat more up than on the actual handle.
So upper body strength will be my fall when the zombies attack. I do believe that will improve by each class so I’m looking forward to swinging that bat by the handle by the last week.
So right now, if I were attacked by a zombie, I rule and kicking but if I have to crab walk myself to safety, I’m so dead!
I’m hoping to up my chances next week!